Like we always do at this time

I just made this unprivate again. For several reasons.

One of which is because I now have a new last name so for some reason I'm less paranoid about the Internet or something? Another is that I've mentioned this blog to a few people in the last week and then followed up with "but it's locked up never to be seen" which is lame. So, let's unlame that.

Plus I probably will have more to write about this year. The long and short of it is that I finished law school, I start my new job as a public defender tomorrow, and I am now a married woman (so much housework, cooking, and baby-rearing amiright ladies?) So maybe more stories ahead. Possibly. 

Although Moldova is kind of a distant sweet memory and my Romanian has gone to shit, in keeping this Internet presence I will remain tied to that unique time in my life. Maybe I'm on some people's feeds still. Maybe I'm not. Maybe new friends. Probably not. But, in the tail end of 2012, I'm starting anew in the comfort of my old home. Oh hi hello.

Obsessed

I don't mind spending my nights at home.

- Threw a medium cockroach out the window. Peace out to this place.

- There are some crazy and gigantic green-beans on the Food Network tonight.

- Have been sitting in the same position for a week writing the same paper. Exhausted. Need exercise.

- Missing A as usual.

- Oh, they're fava beans.

- Next week, assuming there will not be too much family stuff going on (who can assume anything?) I will ride my bike, exercise, and read more Balzac.

Even monsters have pride

There was a little monster waiting in my window today. The monster was just chilling in the open window, one leg hanging off the ledge into my room. When I walked into my room and saw the little monster it didn't alarm me or scare me, it was as if just belonged there. Like of course a monster chills in the windowsill, where else?

Monster got bored while I was working on my computer. It complained it was too hot because today was soo hot outside. I told monster it could sit on my desk where the fan was blowing. It fell asleep on my desk under the fan's breeze and I finished my work.

This evening I was feeling a little sad and lonely even though there was a little monster around. I decided to do what I always do when I'm procrastinating working on and thinking about life: I tried on outfits.

Monster oo'd and ahh'd at the right moments. Usually I like a soundtrack to my moves, like a sassy fashion show, but monster's audible approval worked too. Monster helped me pick out what to wear for tomorrow, brushed its pointy monster teeth next to me while I brushed my human teeth, and then turned my bedroom light off so I could go to sleep.

I said goodnight and right then the little monster jumped into my bed, grabbed me by my shoulders, and swallowed me whole.

First day of work

I have two internships this summer. Two! I'm really excited about both of them. However, today, June 1, neither boss has called to give me any assignment or work. So I will take this as a positive sign that I am to enjoy this first day of Amy summer and not worry. Off to bike ride to the gym. That is what I shall do.

In the meantime I want you to think about how great the custom handmade sandals I just ordered off of Etsy.com will be on me. Two pairs.

I mustn't forget.

Life is wonderful. LIFE and LIVING and EVERYTHING is wonderful. I have to make sure I write down all the wonderful things that have happened this week so that I cannot forget that really, overall, everything is wonderful. I am constantly on the verge of tears- happy tears over the strength and love of my family, nervous tears over uncertainty of the type of person I am these days, and sad tears because I truly miss some key people in my life with my grandfather and A at the top of that list. However, I am taking a stand against my crying self. Keep it together, Amy. What's even the matter? Why with the sads? It's so time to be happy- nothing is bad, scary, forever (except diamonds and cockroaches, what.)
Also, I now refuse to be a hater because I am SUCH a hater, and it is unbecoming for one. For two, the rude awakening of the weekend is, it really, so really does not help. I am happy- I am lucky- I love and I am loved and I am really, truly living life. No hating.

Happiness to note: Pedicure lady complimenting me on my so small so cute feet. Sincere surprise at how small my feets are. (Me embracing being the little lady that I am.)

Concert. Concert? Well, not not a concert. Here's the thing. I was emotional because I am a tigress let out of my cage, my comforting, yet so damn confining cage which is life of studying, routine, and consciousness of others' successes v. my successes/others' flaws v. mine. So I was out. This already made me feel alive. But then words. A lot of the lyrics of this concert (concert?) were poignant. Yea. But at the same time it wasn't fair! I was -we all were!- totally caught off guard and then forced to really feel it through. I allowed myself to feel it but I felt a little angered, pressured to give it up to be seen. I felt free to be out, alive, listening to great songs, but at the same time a little violated because these emotions are mine. Always mine. Untapped thoughts and fears and whatever are for me to decide who may tap into. But the songs and the performance so ached to trigger me -us- that it was just too much, draining, yet -yet!- reassuring and fun. It was a happy evening with pretty much my most favorite people (I think of all time) together (except for my most desired person was NOT there- which made the whole thing seem moot in a way) and so it was, I guess to sum it up, it was stabilizing.

Making delicious breakfast for and with friends and my friends relaxing in my space. There is nothing greater nor more satisfying. No stronger force-field of love than that which radiated this morning. I felt high.

People are awesome! PEOPLE just want other people to be awesome. There is no reason anyone should be such a hater. I picked up a school assignment this evening amongst my other classmates and people were all negative and sad and nervous and generally grumpy. Why? Life is beautiful. Summer is here/around the corner and no more teachers no more school books, right guys? RELAX. Just do your work and hang out. Life is great. Stop grumbling, everything will be great!
At this point I wish I knew a little more HTML, or had the energy to check how to because I feel like outlining this next part to show an example of what I mean above. So imagine here is the first indented bullet point in the order that I remember:

Best conversation about gum with the girl who rang me up at Duane Reade. She knew what I was talking- can't I just get some straight up normal wintergreen? Why and when did gum get so complicated? I absolutely DO NOT WANT pina colada gum (or pina colada anything.) I don't need "exotic mint." What? That doesn't even make sense! Mint grows wild in almost any type of soil. Exotic? Shut up. Or any of the other stupid flavors. The girl said she likes trident "minty sweet twist" and it tastes like the best, lasts long, doesn't get weird tasty, etc. So I yelled "sold!" and she made me try it in front of her just to see if I'd like it. I did! It was totally what I meant- can I just get some gum and why with all the stupid names and packaging? She and I agreed it was a successful night for the both of us as I enjoyed the gum. Gum industry, or whoever you crazies are, CHILL. Take a chill pill. Gum, right? Don't mess up an easy thing. Wintergreen, peppermint, bubblegum; Totally sufficient. Trust.

Being out amongst the people. Friendship hand-holding. Bumping into someone which was so pleasant, even with the little daggers of unpleasantness throughout the conversation (the usual hearsay and status demotion- Amy stop being so sensitive! People just say stuff!) Laughing. Bike riding (still such a novice) and talking shit. Not hating, no I'm not hating anymore, but talking shit- because I'll never stop doing that. (It is my job.)

The concern of a person for my well-being and safety. Anytime that happens, in Moldova or in America, it is still flattering, appreciated, and noted.

The childlike nature of fun in a grownup space. Yeah, I said it. My space is grown up. So grownup, actually, that the limits of comfort are invisible because everything is here. Everything one would need to be comfortable, welcome, and at home, is in my space [as far as I'm concerned] and it was a pleasure to share. The feedback was that it was a pleasure to be in, so if that's not a justification for things being right in life then I don't know what in the world it is that I need to feel good. I FEEL GOOD. I recognize it now.

Guy holding spotted black pug in his arms. The pug had a pink cast with purple pictures on it on her arm. It was instant- all I did was say "Oh no!!" like what happened oh what did she do? He just looked at me so worried but also, like, he was relieved? Appreciative almost for the gesture- maybe it was what he needed to feel everything was going to be okay. The puppy will be okay- look at that pink cast! ohh noo puppy.. be more careful next time!

Walking roommate's dog who is so funny on a leash in that she doesn't get it? But she's not the boss. I'm a person and so I am the boss and so we're going outside and she's going to walk on that leash. A guy walking, nighttime walking, looks over at me, kind of cordial smile - I hold his gaze - and he says Hello or How are you or something like that and I just point down at the dog I'm with who hates her leash like can you believe this little thing? He says "oh! I didn't even see her!" I say "she doesn't even want to be out here right now. But it's beautiful!" He says, "yea, it really is." Today was supposed to be a rainy day- rain all day. Not once. No rain. It was beautiful and wonderful for an almost summer Sunday and I was going to get that little dog to understand that no matter how much she wanted to pull and resist that leash, everything is beautiful and let's go outside.

Other things but I really thought I'd be asleep by now. I just don't want to forget. I cannot forget how being happy always trumps being like annoying and angry and negative. I default to that too easily, and with this unbalanced position I've put myself in by making my decisions when and how I did, I'm the only one who can steady myself. Friends help. Friends definitely help. It hurts that my friends are far (but I guess I'm not one to talk hello Moldova) but I am happy that the love and contact still exists and I haven't lost myself. I am happy; life is wonderful. Do not forget it.

Holy Moly It is May

Hi!

Remember when I wrote last? Me neither.

I am studying for finals. That is obviously why I'm posting again. Let me fill everyone in on my life.

First of all, shit's awesome. No really, things are fine. I'm feeling in tune with myself again. I don't care about school which means I'm pretty confident I'll do well in school AND LIFE. I am in LO-oOVe. I exercise. I eat veggies all the time. I like my roommate. I like my apartment. I like my hair. I have some friendies and now my sister lives two hours away. Things are good.

Second of all, whatever to anything being an issue. Ever. I found that by returning to my Amy game-face way I've been a lot happier. I've cut things out of my life that were causing me stress. For one, I joined a Jiu Jitsu club that was a cult/scam. I say cult because it's very repetitive and they're into group chants and clapping for one another much longer than appropriate. They also made up an exclamatory word for us to use- it translates to "the" in Portuguese. So when someone did something good everyone would say "THE!" Weird. I loathed going there but had already paid and it was across the street. BUT so then I was being coaxed to sign another agreement for another 24 months for double the price, I quit that shit and demanded my money back since I was never told I was going to have to sign another agreement when I first joined. Otherwise I wouldn't have joined. Duh. Asking for my money back, they shaded out and avoided me and so now I'm taking them to small claims court. Or rather, as the letter I got in the mail today offers, I could very will be taking them to The People's Court. My mom really wants me to. So I cut that bullshit out of my life and instead I joined a normal gym that has spinning classes that are like a discotheque and televisions in front of the cardio machines (although the best entertainment is watching myself run the treadmill in the mirror. Tittayyys.)

I also cut out school stress by being more selective about who I study with or (not) studying with people at all. Sure, at home I may procrastinate, but shit gets done eventually and I feel better because I'm at my own pace and understand the material better. I feel more confident when I'm on my own wavelength instead of trying to keep up with someone else. Law school, getting in your head. That should be the slogan: Law School. Gettin' in your head.

I can't wait for this month of exams and writing competitions and other law school things that are keeping me indoors in nice weather to be over with. I have an internship this summer that is going to rock and all I want to do is ride bikes in the sunshine and read New Yorkers in the park. 30ish days to go.